The Fine Art of Giving the Gift of Feedback
There is a saying that feedback is a gift. There are three aspects to the gift-giving, gift-receiving, process that need to be considered for feedback to be effective. If you’d like to get better at the art of gift giving, here are a few things to keep in mind.
First, is the gift wanted? How often do we get unsolicited feedback? It typically comes in a form like, “If you asked me…” This issue is that the feedback receiver didn’t ask for it and, therefore, may not be open to receiving it…no matter how valid it is. A simple way to address this is to ask a question like, “What would be most helpful for you?” You may find that they simply want a person to vent to. You may find that they just want to be able to articulate their ideas and have you ask them questions that will help them sharpen their thinking. Or, perhaps they do want the gift of your feedback.
Second, is the gift packaged properly? I remember when I was growing up hearing the phrase, “Treat people the way you want to be treated.” As I grew up, I found that not everyone wanted to be treated the same way I did and that it is more helpful to treat others the way they want to be treated. What does this mean in terms of feedback? Let’s say you are someone who appreciates direct, no nonsense, feedback and, because that is what you prefer, that is the way you tend to give feedback. But, if the person to whom you are giving the feedback is someone who is more relational, they may struggle to take the feedback in, feeling like your candor is a personal attack. Conversely, if you are the relational person, trying to give feedback to the direct person, your language may not be direct enough for them to recognize that you are even giving them feedback.
Third, is the person in a place to accept the gift? Most feedback is given from a place of wanting to be helpful. Even so, if the timing is off, it may not be received the way it was intended. Let’s say that the individual is under pressure. Perhaps there is an imminent deadline. Perhaps they are making an important presentation. Perhaps they’ve just had an argument with someone close to them. If these conditions cause stress, the person’s amygdala will shift into high alert. The amygdala is the part of the brain that triggers the fight, flight, or freeze response. In this mindset, their brain is trying to protect them from some perceived harm. In that state, they are unable to hear feedback as anything more than a potential threat. If you must give the feedback immediately, for example, if their approach to the presentation will cause significant problems, then work to present the feedback in a way that helps them to see that you are trying to work with them to eliminate the potential threats. If you don’t have to give the feedback in the moment, you are better served to wait until the person is in a place to accept it.
When giving the gift of feedback, paying attention not only to what you say, but how you say it, and whether the person is in a place to hear it (when you say it), will help to ensure that the gift is received the way it was intended.
