When Advice is Not What You Want to Hear

Have you gone to someone you trust and respect in order to garner their advice only to have them tell you something you didn’t want to hear? What did you do?

Mary scheduled a meeting with her manager (Chris) to discuss Tom, one of her direct reports. Tom had joined Mary’s department from another division of the organization. She’d initially been excited to have him onboard as the feedback on him had been incredibly positive. Yet, over the course of the past several months, she felt like she’d been fed a party line in order to move a problem. No matter what she did, she couldn’t get Tom to perform…or, at least that’s what she told Chris.

Chris quietly listened to Mary lay out her frustrations and her efforts and then began to ask her a few questions like: As I recall, Tom lobbied to be able to work on your team. Have you ever asked him why? What was it that made him want to make the move when he was already doing well where he was? Maybe ask him how working within the team is different than what he’d expected. Have you reached out to his former manager to ask what made their relationship so successful?

Chris, through her line of questioning, was asking Mary to do something that she’d not tried — that she’d not even thought of — to really get curious about what this experience is like for Tom; to think about the type of leadership that would bring out the best in Tom.

Mary’s immediate reaction was frustration. Hadn’t she already done enough? How could Chris have listened to what Mary shared and not agree that she’d done all the right things? How could she tell Mary that she might be looking at the situation the wrong way? If she was honest with herself, she’d actually come to Chris hoping Chris would see her side of it and help her exit the team. She left the meeting feeling angry and unheard. And yet, as Mary mulled over the conversation in her head she began to see that Chris had given her a perspective that she’d not considered.

A good lamplighter will tell you what you need to hear, even if it’s not what you want to hear.