You Call it Conflict, I Call it a Lively Conversation
How comfortable are you with conflict? If I were to ask you to define the word conflict for me and give me a recent example of a conflict you’d been involved in, what would you say? I find the answer to these questions fascinating because they vary widely, and because they have tremendous implications for the effectiveness of your team.
Brian is the leader of a team. Early in my work with him, he asked me to observe a team meeting. He’d gotten some feedback from his team that they were frustrated with the quality of these meetings and he was struggling to understand the issue as he’d always done his best to “keep the peace.”
The subject of the meeting I observed was to talk about the best way to implement a new process. Two of his team had differing perspectives as to the approach to take. The conversation began to volley back and forth between the two of them. Brian could feel himself getting uncomfortable and worrying that the discussion would escalate. He quickly shut down the debate; told the team that he’d take their perspectives into consideration; and ended the meeting.
As we debriefed the meeting, I asked Brian to define conflict. He described it as when two people disagree. He sees this disagreement as personal and having impact not only on the relationship between the two people but the rest of the team. We talked about moments in his work history when he’d seen these conversations go badly and the collateral damage that rippled through the organization. He shared that when these “debates” arise, he has a visceral reaction. He can feel himself getting anxious and just wants to put a stop to the conversation as quickly as possible.
I explained to him that there are different approaches to conflict and one of them is called “avoiding.” Just as it sounds, someone who prefers to avoid conflict will typically look to change the subject or make the issue go away. I went on to share that there are four other approaches to conflict: competing, compromising, accommodating, and collaborating. Each style has its place and, while each person has a preferred style, they can also lean into the other styles. With this new awareness, Brian and I worked to strengthen his collaboration conflict style.
As Brian and I wrapped up our engagement, he asked that we gather some feedback from his direct reports. One of the examples I heard was of a recent meeting where Brian brought a controversial issue to the team. Several team members began to vocalize their objections to the matter sharing their own perspectives. A few of them had expected Brian to stymie the discussion. Instead, Brian said that he could hear the merits in their points of view and thought that there may be other salient viewpoints from the rest of the team. He decided to shift the agenda to allow for the various opinions to be discussed. The feedback I received from his team was that they appreciated being able to work through the issue and come to a decision that they could support. Brian shared with me that he now sees conflict as people have differing perspectives on a topic and that exploring these differences can lead to better outcomes.
As a leader, understanding your approach to conflict will have implications for the team. Am I suggesting that those who tend to be more conflict avoidant should not be in positions of authority? Absolutely not! I am saying that becoming aware of your tendencies when it comes to conflict, and the impact this has on the organization, allows you to be intentional about how you proceed. Do you know your preferred conflict management approach? And, how comfortable are you at recognizing and employing other styles based on the situation?
